Well, I haven’t really gone into a personal progress update in awhile and yesterday I just hit a pretty big milestone, so this week I am going to fitness profile myself.

I have been “plus-sized” since I can remember. Before I hit puberty I was wearing JC Penney’s plus-size girls clothes, which were politely numbered in half sizes for discretion. A large, tall girl might wear an 18, but a plus-sized one, me, wore an 18.5. At 10, I jumped up to juniors sizes and already wore a 13 (Plus starts at 12). I only had one summer were a 13 fit, and by high school I was a size 20. When I started this blog I wore a size 24, and they were getting too tight.

Since I can remember, shopping for clothing has been a battle and until they put a Torrid in my town, finding pants big enough to fit my body was only possible online. My body is very “feminine” in that my waist tends to be about 10-12 inches smaller than my hips. My thighs, butt and hips are large, they always will be, no matter how thin I get. I loved shopping at Torrid because no matter how frustrated I got with pants not fitting right, or going up a size, the girls there understood my plight–I never felt judged or treated poorly based on how I looked. Instead, I always found a group of understanding women readily offering their support and genuinely knowing what it was like to literally not be able to fit into clothing (something thin people NEVER have to think about). I mean, yeah, clothes may not fit “correctly” on everyone, but thin people can find things that will fit around their bodies and cover them up.

Yesterday this world changed for me.

Yesterday I went to Torrid with a plan to buy some jeans for motivation, as I posted about earlier this month. I wanted to buy a 12 and 10, and use them as the carrot dangling on the end of my stick to motivate myself to work harder. Only two things happened that got in the way: one, 12 is the smallest size they have. No issues right? I’ll just buy one pair and once they fit I’ll find a new place to buy pants and get a 10 for motivation. BUT, then I went to the dressing room and tried them on. THEY FUCKING FIT.

I should be stoked, I should be overjoyed. I’m sitting here writing this post in a size 12. The smallest pants I have ever worn. Since the 5th grade EVER.

Instead I feel scared.

I realized that I will no longer have the safety net of my plus-sized brethren to help me through dressing room panic attacks. I will no longer need a special store to buy pants because I will be able to buy them anywhere. And I will no longer be plus-sized.

In a way I feel like I am leaving a big part of my identity behind in these pants. When they no longer fit I won’t really be the fat girl I’ve always been. Sure, being overweight has been bad for my health, rough for dating, difficult in making friends, but in a big big way it has made me who I am. I would not be so confident in the person I am inside if it wasn’t for these extra pounds holding me back. I wouldn’t have fought so hard to get through college and to prove to my peers that I am intelligent, interesting and beautiful inside. Without being plus-sized I don’t think I would be me.

I realize that this is just a new chapter in my life and I still have a lot of work to go, but it’s almost bittersweet. I hope I never forget what it feels like to be treated differently because I had to buy fat girl pants at a special store.

Anybody can tell you are irredeemably middle class because your children wear second-hand clothes.*

OK, so necessity plays a part, but you spend quite a bit of time at car boot sales anyway**, and while you are there the sight of so many barely-worn clothes going for twenty pence a flower-strewn babygrow brings out the rampant economy driver in you. Even though every. Damn. Item of clothing for girls is covered in pink. And flowers. Pink flowers! On a pink background! With more pink for the trim!

Your urge to save money is not helped by the fact that you also live amongst very affluent mothers who tend to offload the entire back catalogue of Mini Boden at the NCT nearly new sales in your area. Of course the downside is that they generally want more for their clothes. ‘But it’s Jo Jo Mama Bebe!’ they say, ‘That MUST be worth two pounds!’ You put up with this because, it must be said, there is a slightly higher chance that they will be selling items where the pink is confined to a bit of piping round the neckline.

Of course, you were nearly lured away from the path of unbearable fiscal smugness this summer by the fact that suddenly the shops seem to have decided that bright colours for boys are in.  And your mother has decided to fight back against the wave of pink that has entered your house by turning up with determinedly unpink dresses for the Comet.***

But what with one thing and the fact that having your kids in you *cough* late *cough* thirties meaning that lots of people have already had theirs, and are just itching to give away bin bags full of great jeans to a good home, you haven’t really been tempted.

Unfortunately, it seems that the Star’s days of handmedown living might be coming to an end.

3+ year old boys really live to destroy their clothes.

Parents of 3+ year old boys have stopped buying more outfits than he can possibly wear because that top is just! So! Cute!

What’s left is mainly clothes saying ‘Here comes trouble!’ or ‘I’m a menace!’ or ‘Lock up your fragile items!’ Which, you’ve discovered, might as well read ‘Give my mother a disapproving glance!’ or ‘Tut if you think I should be dragged off by my ear!’**** People are too easily swayed by advertising. If he wears his lime green leaf patterned shirt with the bright yellow shorts, they just smile.

Still, you’ve had a good run and any minute now he’ll be starting school and it’s all out of your hands, bar the weekends.

*Well, not pants. Or shoes. Or swimming costumes. Or socks. Or vests. But apart from that…

**B still has a technics habit to feed.

***Although last time she was forced to fall back on purple. Even new, it is hard to escape the rose-tinted tyranny.

****What your friend aptly calls the ‘Daddy’s Little Princess’, ‘Mummy’s Little Pyscho’ clothing phenomenon, which, for boys in particular, really seems to take off at 3+.

Selena Gomez was all black for the Abduction premiere in Hollywood. Instead of wearing a regular LBD (Little Black Dress), the young hottie paired a sparkly T-shirt with a suede mini skirt and sexy black T-straps. Her hair was in a cute ponytail and she accessorized with fabulous gold earrings. The starlet’s total look was casual and comfy, but still sexy and glam enough for a movie premiere.

Thumbs up for the “Who Says” singer for rocking a look that’s worthy of stealing!

Selena Gomez

Kate Bosworth Looking Good!

Kate Bosworth attended the screening of her new movie Straw Dogs in New York City in a super chic, beaded black Antonio Berardi cocktail dress, black Christian Louboutin stilettos that are heavy on the toe cleavage, and a cool deep-side hairdo.

It’s been a while since this blond beauty was on the big screen, and it was good to see her back in style!

Kate Bosworth